Stress as a Strength: Reframing Pressure
- Aliesha Embleton
- May 5
- 5 min read
Updated: Jun 2
We live in a world that often equates childhood with carefree play and simple joys. And while there is truth in that, there’s also a growing reality: children today are experiencing more pressure, more often, and at younger ages than ever before.
Kids are increasingly facing stress, whether it's the mounting expectations of school, navigating friendship dynamics, comparing themselves to others online, or even internalising their caregivers' worries. The instinctive parental response is often to remove that stress as quickly as possible.
But what if we looked at stress differently?
What if, instead of viewing it only as something to avoid, we reframed certain types of pressure as an opportunity to teach one of life’s most powerful skills: resilience?
The Reality of Stress in the Middle Years
Middle childhood is often overlooked in the public conversation around child development. It’s a season of rapid internal change - emotional, cognitive, and social - all while children are still trying to make sense of the world around them. They’re not little anymore, but they’re not teenagers either. They’re “in the middle,” and in many ways, that makes this phase even more critical.
This age group is starting to:
Compare themselves to peers
Develop an internal narrative of success or failure
Experience academic pressure
Juggle structured routines with emerging independence
Feel the emotional weight of social belonging
A recent Australian study found that 1 in 7 primary school-aged children experience mental health difficulties, with many reporting feelings of anxiety, overwhelm, and not being “good enough.” Much of this stems from a rise in perfectionism, fear of failure, and the stress of not meeting expectations - whether their own, their peers’, or those of adults around them.
But not all stress is bad.
Stay with me here as we explore how some stress can actually be good and what that means.
Good Stress vs. Harmful Stress
From a developmental perspective, there are three types of stress responses in children: positive, tolerable, and toxic.
Positive stress is short-lived and manageable. It's what a child might feel before a big test, a dance recital, or trying something new. When properly supported, it can motivate action and build confidence.
Tolerable stress is more serious but can be buffered by strong relationships and healthy coping strategies - think moving schools or a significant friendship change.
Toxic stress, on the other hand, occurs when a child experiences strong, frequent, and prolonged adversity without adequate support - this is the kind we must protect against.
When children are exposed to ongoing, overwhelming stress without enough support, it can have a lasting impact on their brain development and overall well-being. The parts of the brain responsible for essential skills like focus, decision-making, and communication can be disrupted, making it harder for kids to thrive now and into adulthood. Left unchecked, this type of stress can also increase the risk of health challenges later in life, including heart issues, diabetes, and depression.
It’s a powerful reminder of why early support, safe relationships, and resilience-building strategies are so essential for growing strong, healthy minds.
The opportunity lies in helping children build tools and support systems so that more of what they experience stays in the “positive” or “tolerable” zone and doesn’t escalate to toxic levels.
The Centre on the Developing Child at Harvard University has some great insights into the three different types of stress. If you'd like to explore those definitions further, I suggest starting with this article and then continuing your review of their resources from there.
How Stress Builds Resilience (When Supported Well)
When a child experiences manageable stress and is supported to move through it, something powerful happens: they begin to believe they can handle challenges. They learn to tolerate discomfort, bounce back from setbacks, and grow from the experience.
This is resilience - not avoiding struggle, but learning how to walk through it and emerge stronger.
But here’s the key: children don’t build this alone.
They learn it through co-regulation, connection, and modelling. When a trusted adult stays calm, encouraging, and present, even when things feel hard, the child borrows that regulation until they can generate it themselves.
What Parents Can Do: Reframing the Pressure
Here are five ways you can help your child transform pressure into strength:
1. Acknowledge, Don’t Dismiss
Instead of “It’s not a big deal,” try “This feels like a big moment. Want to talk about it together?”
Validating their emotional experience builds trust and helps your child feel seen, which is the first step in navigating it.
2. Focus on the Process, Not the Outcome
Celebrate effort, problem-solving, and courage. When your child studies hard, takes initiative, or shows perseverance, even if the result isn’t perfect, highlight those qualities.
Use language like “I noticed how much effort you put in. That’s something to be proud of.”
3. Model Your Own Stress Strategies
Children are watching. If you’re overwhelmed and say, “I need five minutes to breathe so I can think clearly,” you’re showing them how to regulate their own response to stress.
Authentic modelling teaches more than words ever could.
4. Teach the “Stretch Zone”
Explain that some stress helps us grow, like when a muscle stretches. But just like exercise, we need rest and support afterwards to recover and grow stronger.
Use a simple visual:
Comfort Zone → Stretch Zone → Overwhelm Zone
Help your child recognise their zone and what they need to stay in the healthy stretch space.
5. Use Reflection as a Tool for Growth
After a challenging experience, ask reflective questions like:
“What part of that felt the hardest?”
“What helped you keep going?”
“What would you try differently next time?”
This builds metacognition and resilience by connecting stress to learning, not shame.
Turning Everyday Pressure into Long-Term Growth
Pressure isn’t going away; school deadlines, social comparison, and uncertainty are part of life. But what we can change is how our children relate to it.
By helping them reframe stress as something to notice, name, and navigate, we raise children who aren’t afraid to try, fall short, or start again.
We teach them that they are capable of facing life with flexibility, self-awareness, and strength - three ingredients that will serve them well beyond childhood.
Final Thought
I believe stress can be a teacher, not just a threat, if children are given the support, safety, and strategies to learn from it.
It's not about removing all discomfort but about helping children understand that being stretched is not the same as being broken, that effort matters, that growth often feels messy and that they are never alone.
Let’s stop fearing the pressure and instead help our children rise through it.
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