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One of the most valuable skills a child can learn in navigating life’s complexities is the ability to self-soothe – using healthy, calming strategies to manage stress, anxiety, and other strong emotions. Self-soothing helps children navigate difficult moments, giving them the tools they need to regain balance and build emotional resilience.
What is Self-Soothing?
Self-soothing refers to the ability to regulate one’s own emotions in stressful situations. It’s a skill that allows children to calm themselves down when they are feeling upset, anxious, or overwhelmed, without relying solely on external comfort from parents, caregivers, or others. Learning to self-soothe is a critical part of emotional development, providing children with lifelong tools to manage and regulate their emotions independently.
In early childhood, self-soothing might look like a toddler sucking their thumb or holding a comforting blanket. As children grow, these physical self-soothing behaviours evolve into more advanced emotional regulation techniques. While some children naturally develop self-soothing strategies, others need guidance and support from parents to cultivate these skills.
The Psychological Mechanisms Behind Self-Soothing
Self-soothing works by engaging the body’s relaxation response, which is the opposite of the fight or flight response triggered by stress. When children use positive self-soothing techniques, their brain releases calming chemicals like serotonin and oxytocin, which help regulate their mood and emotions. This shift promotes a sense of safety and control, allowing children to process difficult feelings without becoming overwhelmed.
Furthermore, self-soothing techniques engage the prefrontal cortex – the part of the brain responsible for decision-making, problem solving, comprehensive, creativity, impulse-control and emotional regulation. These functions are needed when we have to focus and think, mentally play with ideas, use our short-term working memory, and think before reacting in any situation. By practicing these skills, children strengthen their ability to handle stress and develop greater emotional intelligence, which can protect against anxiety, depression, and other mental health challenges later in life.
Real-Life Examples of Self-Soothing in Action
Dealing with a Disagreement with a Friend
Disagreements with friends are common for children and can lead to feelings of frustration, hurt, or anger. Teaching children to take deep breaths, count to ten, or go for a walk can help them calm down before reacting. This practice not only diffuses their immediate emotional response but also gives them time to reflect on the situation and approach their friend with more understanding.
Positive effect: Learning to self-soothe during conflicts helps children manage their emotions in the moment and improves their ability to resolve conflicts with empathy and calmness, which strengthens friendships.
Coping with Bullying
Being bullied is an incredibly stressful experience, often leaving children feeling powerless and anxious. Encouraging a child to practice mindfulness, journal their feelings, or engage in creative expression like drawing or playing music can provide a healthy outlet for their emotions. These activities help children reclaim a sense of control over how they feel, even when external circumstances are difficult.
Positive effect: Self-soothing enables children to process their feelings without internalising the negative impact of bullying, fostering resilience and emotional recovery.
Changes in Family Dynamics
Major changes like divorce or moving away from close relatives can cause significant emotional upheaval in children. Practicing grounding exercises, such as focusing on the senses (what they can see, hear, smell, taste, and touch), can help children stay present and avoid becoming overwhelmed by worries. Additionally, engaging in routine activities like reading a favourite book before bed provides a sense of normalcy and comfort during uncertain times.
Positive effect: Grounding techniques and routines give children stability and emotional balance, helping them adapt to changes with greater ease and confidence.
Moving to a New House or School
Transitions like moving to a new house or starting at a new school can trigger anxiety in children, as they face the unknown. Encouraging them to set small, achievable goals, like meeting one new person each week, can help them focus on positive progress rather than fear.
Positive effect: Breaking big transitions into smaller, manageable steps reduces anxiety and empowers children to take proactive steps in adapting to change.
The Long-Term Benefits of Positive Self-Soothing Techniques
Children who learn to self-soothe early in life reap long-term benefits that extend well into adulthood. These include:
Emotional resilience: Self-soothing builds a child’s capacity to manage stress and bounce back from setbacks. This emotional strength is crucial for facing future challenges, whether in relationships, academics, or career settings.
Independence: Children who can regulate their own emotions become less reliant on external validation and comfort. This sense of independence contributes to greater self-confidence and autonomy in decision-making.
Improved mental health: The ability to self-soothe reduces the risk of chronic stress, anxiety, and depression. Children who practice positive coping strategies are better equipped to navigate life’s ups and downs with emotional balance.
Enhanced social skills: By managing their emotions effectively, children can engage more positively with peers, build stronger friendships, and handle conflicts with greater empathy and understanding.
Practical Tips for Parents to Teach Self-Soothing
Create a “calm corner”
Designate a special space in your home where your child can go to relax and self-soothe when they are feeling overwhelmed. This space could include calming sensory items like soft pillows, soothing lights, or favourite books. Encourage your child to use this space to practice self-soothing techniques, such as deep breathing or listening to calming music.
Teach mindfulness exercises
Introduce your child to simple mindfulness practices, such as focusing on their breath, the sensation of the water as they wash their hands or paying attention to the sounds around them. Regular mindfulness practice helps children build awareness of their emotions and gives them tools to self-soothe in stressful moments.
Encourage creative outlets
Children often express and process their emotions through creative activities. Encourage your child to engage in drawing, journaling, or playing a musical instrument when they need to self-soothe. These activities provide a productive outlet for emotional expression and help them regain a sense of control.
Practice together
Children learn by observing their parents. Make self-soothing a family activity by practicing deep breathing, mindfulness, or grounding exercises together. This reinforces the importance of these practices and makes it more likely your child will adopt them as lifelong habits.
By teaching children the importance of healthy self-soothing techniques, parents can empower them to face life’s challenges with greater confidence and resilience. These practices not only help children manage their emotions in the moment but also lay the foundation for lifelong emotional wellbeing.
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