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A Parent’s Guide to Building Emotional Strength
In today’s world, emotional regulation is one of the most important skills a child can develop to help them manage life’s challenges effectively. Understanding and mastering emotions can shape a child’s mental health, academic success, social relationships, and overall wellbeing. Emotional regulation skills are now considered crucial to the foundations of a child's healthy dispositions and lifelong learning skills. In this article, we will explore what emotional regulation is, how it differs from emotional intelligence and why both are crucial for a child’s development.
Emotional Regulation vs. Emotional Intelligence: Understanding the Difference
Emotional regulation and emotional intelligence are two conceptually related approaches to understanding the emotional experiences people have.
At its core, emotional regulation refers to the ability to manage and respond to emotions, and the process to control that response (i.e. when to have the emotions). This allows someone to consider when to experience the emotion in a way that is adaptive and socially acceptable. Children who develop emotional regulation skills learn to calm themselves during stress, avoid impulsive reactions, and express feelings constructively.
In contrast, emotional intelligence encompasses a broader set of skills that allow individuals to perceive, use, understand and manage their own emotions and to recognise, and potentially influence, the emotions of others. Emotional regulation is a large part of emotional intelligence.
For example, a child with high emotional intelligence might understand that they’re feeling frustrated during a disagreement with a friend and understand how their friend is feeling; emotional regulation, however, helps them calm down before reacting, thereby preserving the friendship. The emotion regulation process is foundational to emotionally intelligent individuals.
Emotional regulation underpins emotional intelligence because managing emotions well directly enhances how we perceive and use emotions in social and personal situations. In short, emotional regulation is about managing emotions to improve emotional intelligence.
Why Emotional Regulation Matters
Improved Mental Health: Studies show that children who regulate their emotions effectively have lower levels of anxiety and depression and are better equipped to handle stress.
Academic Achievement: Emotional regulation directly impacts a child’s ability to focus and perform well in school. When children can manage feelings of frustration, disappointment, or boredom, they are more likely to stay engaged and motivated in their learning.
Social Relationships: Kids who can regulate their emotions are more resilient in social situations, handling disagreements calmly and building stronger relationships. They’re less likely to engage in impulsive actions that may damage friendships, making them better equipped to navigate complex social dynamics.
Long-Term Success: In adulthood, emotional regulation predicts higher resilience, career success, and better interpersonal relationships. Teaching children these skills early provides them with tools that will benefit them throughout their lives.
The Psychological Mechanisms Behind Emotional Regulation
Emotional regulation relies on the brain’s executive functions, primarily located in the prefrontal cortex. These functions allow children to pause before reacting, assess situations, and choose appropriate responses rather than acting on impulse. Emotional regulation also involves understanding triggers and calming techniques, helping children stay in a more balanced, less reactive state.
When children can recognise and label emotions, it activates the brain’s prefrontal cortex, helping to mitigate emotional reactivity and allow for thoughtful responses. Emotional dysregulation, however, engages the amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for our “fight-or-flight” response. This can lead to impulsive behaviours and heightened stress if unchecked.
Real-Life Examples of Emotional Regulation (and Dysregulation)
Disagreements with Friends: Imagine a child in a disagreement with a friend. If emotionally regulated, they may take a deep breath, choose calm words, or walk away to prevent escalation. Without emotional regulation, they might yell, blame the friend, or even resort to hitting.
Dealing with Bullying: Children who experience bullying may initially feel anger, sadness, or helplessness. Emotional regulation allows them to process these emotions and seek help from a trusted adult rather than retaliating or internalising harmful beliefs.
Changes in Family Dynamics (e.g., Divorce): Family changes can evoke a range of emotions in children. Through emotional regulation, they can learn to express sadness, anger, or worry in healthy ways, perhaps through journaling or talking with a parent, rather than feeling overwhelmed by their emotions.
Moving to a New School or House: Transitioning to a new environment often brings stress, anxiety, or excitement. When children learn emotional regulation, they are better prepared to adapt to change by managing any initial anxieties and finding constructive ways to settle into new routines.
Long-Term Benefits of Emotional Regulation
Children who can regulate their emotions tend to have more positive life outcomes, from increased resilience to better stress management. Regulated children generally feel more secure in their abilities, are more self-compassionate and handle setbacks with a growth mindset. They are also better prepared to learn from failure, which fosters adaptability and confidence.
Conversely, children who struggle with emotional regulation may experience ongoing difficulties with stress management, relationship dynamics and academic challenges. Emotional dysregulation can contribute to impulsivity, difficulties with anger, and social conflicts, which often impact self-esteem and academic or social success.
Practical Strategies for Parents to Teach Emotional Regulation
Emotion Naming and Validation: Help your child identify and name their emotions, such as “I can see you’re feeling frustrated.” Validating feelings without judgment teaches that emotions are normal and manageable.
Teach Breathing Techniques: Deep breathing is a powerful tool to calm the nervous system. Practice breathing exercises together when things are calm so your child feels prepared to use them when upset.
Problem-Solving Approach: When children feel overwhelmed by a situation, help them brainstorm constructive responses. Discuss what options they have and guide them in choosing a calm solution.
Encourage Journaling or Drawing: Sometimes, children find it easier to express themselves creatively. Journaling or drawing about their feelings can offer an outlet for release and understanding, enhancing their ability to process emotions.
Introduce a Pause or ‘Calm Down’ Corner: Create a calm-down space where your child can take a break when they feel emotionally overwhelmed. Encourage them to sit in this space to breathe, think, or use other relaxation tools until they feel in control.
Model Calm Behaviour: Children learn by observing. Parents who show patience, take deep breaths and respond thoughtfully during stressful moments demonstrate healthy emotional regulation, teaching children by example.
Conclusion
Emotional regulation is a foundational skill that can set children up for a lifetime of success, resilience and healthy relationships. Understanding the distinction between emotional intelligence and emotional regulation allows parents to teach and equip children with tools to manage complex emotions and interactions thoughtfully. As parents, helping children cultivate these skills is one of the most impactful steps we can take to prepare them for life’s many challenges.
Start small by integrating these strategies into daily life, supporting your child in recognising and managing their emotions. With practice, children learn that while they may not always control what happens around them, they have the power to control their responses. And that, perhaps, is the most empowering lesson of all.
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